hi! i'm mentally ill! i mean arent we all a litle?
but what i mean by this is there are songs, entire albums, that i can't remove from the painful context i first heard them in, yet i can't stop listening, and, almost changing to the songs. i don't know if this is good or not, and because an album review is too hard im just going to write about some songs! also if you think im writing about you in this, message me.
this is going to be very disjointed and probably clearly about one person, but im sad right now so might aswell scream about this into the void!
this song. its almost like everything was orchestrated to this, like that entire period of my life, that one week of high fives and weird sex, this song fits so perfectly, to the point i can't stop listening to it, even though it hurts, its like a tradegy i can't look away from. i mean the entiry of twin fantasy (mirror to mirror(im a cool poser)) haunts me like this, even though i assume face to face is what i was shown because you know why.
i know its sick listening to this, but, i don't know. something about, some part of me, feels, different about it now, like, its my song, like im a cute thing, for better or for worse, and that worries me. does that make me sick? does this mean some part of me is still trying to claw onto what i had during that time, or, am i just different now, and part of me is that person who could do that now, who could be a cute thing, be nothing.
how this song, this painful poem, goes from romantic, to coldly sexual, back to romantic, its so, painfuly relatale. i somehow hold both the desire to be a cute thing, and to sleep naked next to you(not you) naked. and that pains me, and i don't know what i want, or who wants that. and this song just so perfectly gets me thinking about that, feeling that, that pain, that unknown,those conflicting desires. the unknown of who i am and what i want.
oh boy my thearpist is going to love reading this. i need to quit car seat headrest.
nothing tops cute thing as a song that makes me ill currently, but lets go back in my brain and find another song that truely dyes the thread of my being.
ooooh glass beach. i don't think theres a band that has the same place in my heart as glass beach. i was introduced to them during a very tranistional time in my life, and one day i went from projecting these songs, and this song a lot, from one person, to another. now this song is kinda inspiring to me. its about moving out and having your first place ( i swore i read this somewhere i can't find this ) and i guess both meanings of this song for me, were about changing, about growing.
the sound of glass beach and i would argue 5th wave emo is, nostalgia, and sickness. this song sounds so sweet and nostaglic in a way i can't describe in just how it sounds. the intro with the soft vocals and instruments, sounidng almost etheral, progressing into a catchy hook, with lyrics reminissing of past mistakes, knocking holes into walls, trying to make a place feel like a home. it, its sickening, and i can't stop listening. the juxtaposition of the ethereal sound and the depressing lycics, yet both being nostalgic just creates a track that makes me dream about the better times. anything to bring me close to you, friday nights, foggy streets and christmas lights.
but things are better now, im better now, im diffrent now, im almost quite litterly a diffrent person. and i was diffrent when this song had its first meaning to me, so why did i want her to take my hand then, and why am i left paralyzed even though i finally got a decent job? is it because you won't always be my friend? i guess i just gotta hold out for brighter better days.
this track is probably a condender for my favourite song of all time, from an album that is probably my favourite album of all time, and this track has the privledge of not being from anyone. i discovered this song how god intended, not from a woman who was horrible for you, but from the tiktok algoryhtm. but the album being about what its about, and this song specifically, ooough its a treat to beat.
there are many nights i could call the worst night of my life, but theres one night and the day after that sticks out. and oh my, ooooh my its like this song was written about that. i don't know how deep i can go into this without having to pay whoevers reading a thearpy fee, but this song is clearly about codependy and cooking. about what happens when such a basic, a primal task, like preparing fuel to consume hinges on another person.
i was never that bad, thank the lord, but this song still hits too close to home. the other aspect of this song, the healing, and the pain that comes from that, and wanting to go back, needing to, i think everyone in the world can relate to. and the lyric "that every time i try to make lunch for anyone else in my head" stings. i always dream of doing things for the people i love, the prople i care about, and i think cooking is such a raw expression of how you can feel about someone.
again its just fuel at the end of the day, but to make a big ritual about it, to make it special, that is truely romantic, not just in the "hehe i like you" sense of the word, but romantising life, existance, us being animal. its like sex. its a thing we are designed to do, but we, we make it special, we make it mean something.
when i showed this album, and this song to somoene, they noticed a lyric i didn't, and they made fun of it. they made fun of the food theme, thinking the song was silly, but i genuinlly belive it makes the song so much more impactful and meaningful. so uh fuck you?
this is the part of the rant where i start to regret writing it.
i need to learn how to make music